New, Nearly Unlimited Source of Energy

Physicists are both thrilled and baffled by the report of a new subatomic particle discovery. If the results can be replicated, and some nagging technical problems overcome, this new particle may well end the world’s dependence on fossil fuels and provide a virtually unlimited source of energy for all humanity.

Perhaps the most interesting part is that this discovery does not come from the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago nor the Large Hadron Collider in Europe, it comes from a middle school science project in Lowell, Massachusetts.

The new sub-atomic particle has been dubbed the “Drama-ton.”

The discovery was the result of a middle school science project that asked “Can the Energy Expended in Middle School Drama be Measured?” As it turned out, the answer was a resounding “yes.” 

It was found that middle school drama is such a powerful force, it may one day replace many traditional energy sources. If the drama-tons flowing from a single teenager can be collected, they can provide enough energy to power an entire school.

Researches isolated a middle schooler and told the subject that “people were talking smack” about her. At that point, researchers saw a spike in the production of drama-tons. 

In order to maximize power output, the test subject was provided a cell phone and that’s when things got a little out of control. Drama-ton production went through the roof - to the point where researchers had to throttle data speeds to avoid a complete meltdown of the subject.

“The best part,” said one of the principal researchers,”is that it didn’t even have to be true. The subject just had to believe people were talking behind her back for the drama-tons to flow.”

Researchers envision a day when drama-ton reactors will replace all fossil fuel sources. 

“Think about it; just one teenager can provide enough drama-tons to power an entire school. A virtually unlimited energy source. I can see a day where every neighborhood will be powered by teen angst and melodrama,” said one of the researchers.

In a related matter, General Electric has announced it is shuttering many of its’ power generation facilities and are opening a string of middle schools across the country.

“This is revolutionary! A clean, renewable energy source for all of us. We just need a handful of teenagers to power huge sections of the country. Amazing,” said a GE spokesperson.